Up against the wall.

I was in a workshop yesterday exploring somatics and sexuality, fantasy and boundaries, attachment and individuation . . . my kind of gathering! Throughout the course of the day we had opportunities to build the field of intimacy between those present, sharing in dyads and in group eye gazes, touch, desire, what erotic dreams are floating through our minds when they wander off or when we’re actively bringing ourselves to a space of pleasure.

I got very curious about the world of fantasy. I have this idea that I don’t hang out there very often, but that doesn’t mean my idea is true. Are any of us [not-yet-fully-awakened] humans exempt from fantasy? What are my judgments and preconceived notions about fantasy, and if I could just let them go, what is it that really stokes the embers that smolder down deep in the core of my being? How and when and where in my life do I fantasize? Have I ever really allowed myself to be totally honest and unabashedly transparent in voicing the deepest of my body, heart and mind’s desires out loud to another?

It occurred to me that while I do have certain fantasies, I don’t tend to call on them in particular moments to get me somewhere, which is apparently a notion I’d been holding about how fantasy is supposed to work. (Note to self: there’s no “supposed to” on this one!) For me, they simply exist in the ether, something I know that turns me on, that maybe one day I will take out of the dream realm and into my flesh, and that’s ok. That’s how I relate to my fantasies, right now anyway. And these aren’t just sexual. While I do have those, I have a lot of other fantasies about myself in the world, in the offering of my gifts and the sharing of my heart and the ways in which I want to live.  There are ideas and images that float around inside me, some of which I let out on occasion in certain company, but mostly I keep them inside.

Why is this? And surely I’m not alone. That’s the whole premise for the workshop I was in. In part it’s a method for helping people to unearth and embrace their fantasies. Most of us walk around holding in what we want most, afraid, ashamed, believing ourselves unworthy or unwarranted or unhealthy in our deepest desires. So what would it take for me to get comfortable speaking my fantasies into reality, of giving them a sound so they can then take a shape and become more than thought form?

Toward the end of the day, I found myself up against the wall, literally, and confronted with this inquiry in a very visceral way. I’d enthusiastically volunteered to be part of a demonstration before even knowing what I’d raised my hand for. Actually, I hadn’t even fully raised my hand. My body said “yes” in another way. My energy palpably shifted as soon as the teacher began to indicate that she required another person’s participation, and my friend sitting beside me noticed and pulled my hand upward. I happily acquiesced.

There wasn’t even time for me to register if the flutter of energy I felt was apprehension or excitement before I was on my feet and moving toward this woman who, to me, embodies a flavor of the feminine that is so highly intoxicating. She moves and speaks and presents herself in a way that utterly oozes sex and potency, that lets you know she is fierce and wild and welcomes your own fierce and wild, even as she sits flipping her long, dark hair forward from back behind her shoulders over the generous curve of her breasts with a certain innocence. She laughs easily and sincerely and often. In her domain, she knows she’s in charge. She knows everyone else knows she’s in charge. There’s nothing to prove. Her presence conveys all you need to know.

So I stood before her, my back pressed up against a bare wall, as she stood about four feet away from me. “I’m going to drop into my own desire, my wanting, and then I’m going to invite you to take a step toward me. From there, I will do the rest.” Those were her instructions. Simple. We each closed our eyes and moved down into our bodies more fully, deep breaths, total presence. I felt my belly and knees soften, a posture I take to bring greater openness into my system. My yoni pulsed. We opened our eyes. She looked me up and down, then raised a hand to beckon me forward, a gesture that was as much a challenge as an invitation, a look that let me know she was coming for me.

And she did.

She stepped forward into my space, pushing me back against the wall with just enough impact and just enough pressure that I felt taken. Her hands were on me, eyes piercing into my own, breath dancing across the skin of my neck and chest as she moved like an animal against my own animal body, lust and passion and power and desire all unbridled and yet without question, under her control. She was riding that edge purposely. This was all designed so that I could feel safe in the energy of wanting, of being wanted and of wanting in return.

Which brings me back to my inquiry of fantasy, which is, after all, an energy of wanting. In this encounter, one that raised the temperature in the room, quickened the pulses of all witnessing and left me breathless and steeped in the energy of wanting, I tasted what it is to bring to life something that had previously existed only in my internal world. I realized that on some level, I’d wanted this woman all day. I’d sat across the room from her, listened and watched her with great care, admired how she holds herself and the work she does in the world and the beauty she embodies.

What’s more, I’d fantasized about moving through the world in a similar way. I’d envied her, and my wanting was less about claiming or possessing her in any actual way than about claiming and possessing this energy in me. What she embodies is part of my own embodiment, yet there are ways in which these qualities are more fantasy than reality in my expression of them. So playing into a sexual fantasy gave me access to something much bigger and broader.

Sex is a part of it, yes, but not all of it. My underlying desire is for a more robust expression of my own creative energy. And what is sexual energy if not creative energy? This current that flows through us all is the ultimate power, the aliveness that births into being the desires of our bodies to procreate, of our hearts to love, of our minds to generate.

When we acknowledge this, we begin to see how our sexual fantasies and desires can be threads we can follow to better understand our fantasies and desires in all aspects of our lives. If you find yourself, as I sometimes do, feeling flat or lost or unfulfilled, if you feel like you’re up against a proverbial wall, instead of resisting and trying to get away, what about letting yourself be pushed fully into that feeling and giving yourself permission to surrender and play in the world of fantasy? If done as an earnest and conscious inquiry, it’s one way to find the spark of creative inspiration that will really ignite those embers. And if my experience yesterday is any indication, they burn hot and bright enough to catalyze and illuminate the manifestation of whatever it is our bodies, minds and hearts desire.