As Shivaratri, the night of Lord Shiva, the Cosmic Yogi, the Sacred Masculine principle, descends, I find myself reflecting deeply on my own relationship to the masculine.
One of the the stories of Shivaratri is that it was on this auspicious night that Lord Shiva performed the ‘Tandava’, the dance of the primal creation, preservation and destruction. I feel as though I am dancing that very same dance within myself as I seek right relationship with my own inner masculine and right relationship with the men in my life and of the world. Doing that unquestionably calls for all three elements of the Tandava to come forth in me and as me. And it requires a level of awareness and discernment, a willingness to examine the unexamined and claim things I probably won't like about my role in being out of right relationship. I am willing.
I recently experienced a deep rage against the masculine, a fury I have not felt before. While I know part of this ferocity in me was from the collective, the way that I, as an embodied feminine, am holding grievances against the masculine for goodness knows how many eons of misunderstanding and mistrust, part of it was very clearly mine and so deeply personal. I realized that for all the love of men I have, for all the ways that I project my deepest longing and desire onto them, I have layers upon layers of my own personal misunderstanding and mistrust of the masculine that have been seeded throughout my life and carried into my relationships. And it is absurd to think that "they", the men, are the ones responsible for bringing that to rights. This is my task as much as it is theirs, and I rededicate myself to my commitment to taking it on.
On this night, I consecrate myself to cultivating greater understanding and trust with the masculine. I am calling in right relationship and harmony between my own inner masculine and feminine. I am calling in more friendships with brothers who I can connect with, share with and admire much in the ways I do my sisters. I am calling in a heaping ton of appreciation, compassion, empathy, forgiveness and grace to offer to the men closest to my heart who've shown up in my life as perfectly as they could, who are doing their very best to navigate their life as the embodied masculine, and who, for as much as I love them, I have no doubt caused great pain to them at moments in our relating when that relating was burdened by the weight of misunderstanding and mistrust.
I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
Om Namah Shivaya.