Listen On Your Favorite Podcast Players
Apple Podcasts
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YouTubeMany people believe that knowing what they want in intimacy should come naturally.
But what if the real issue isn’t confusion?
What If It’s Disconnection?
In this episode of Deeper with Darshana, Darshana speaks with Betty Martin and Marcia Baczynski about the Wheel of Consent and why so many people struggle with desire, boundaries, and communication.
What Is the Wheel of Consent
The Wheel of Consent is a framework that helps people understand who is doing what and who it is for in any interaction. While this may seem simple, most people move through intimacy without this clarity. They often assume that touch is automatically for the other person or that receiving means passively allowing something to happen. The Wheel separates these dynamics so people can actually feel what is happening in real time. This creates space to notice what feels good, what does not, and what is truly desired.
Why Most People Don’t Know What They Want
Many people struggle to identify what they want, not because they lack desire, but because they have been conditioned to override their bodies. From a young age, people are taught to suppress feelings, follow rules, and prioritize external expectations. Over time, this leads to disconnection from sensation and internal awareness. By the time intimacy becomes relevant, the challenge is not about sex itself. It is about not being at home in your body or knowing how to listen to it.
The Problem With Permission-Based Consent
Most people are taught a simplified version of consent that focuses on permission. One person asks, the other says yes or no. This creates a dynamic where one person is responsible for deciding and the other is responsible for pursuing. It removes mutual desire and limits both people’s ability to express themselves. This is why consent can feel mechanical or uncomfortable when it is reduced to a checklist of approvals rather than a shared experience.
Consent as Agreement
The Wheel of Consent offers a more relational approach by reframing consent as agreement rather than permission. In this model, both people have desires, both people have boundaries, and both participate in creating the experience. This makes consent dynamic and collaborative. It allows for ongoing communication and adjustment rather than a single decision made at the beginning.
Understanding Your Domain
A key concept in this work is understanding what belongs to you and what does not. Your body, your feelings, your desires, and your boundaries are your responsibility. It is not someone else’s job to anticipate or manage your experience. At the same time, you are not responsible for managing another person’s internal state. This clarity reduces anxiety and allows for more honest, grounded connection.
Why Receiving Feels So Vulnerable
Many people identify as “givers” in relationships, but this often masks a deeper discomfort with receiving. Receiving requires being seen, felt, and impacted. It brings attention to your desires and your needs, which can feel exposing. As discussed in the episode, when someone repeatedly asks, “Are you okay?”, it often reflects a deeper question beneath the surface: “Am I too much?” This reveals how vulnerability is at the core of both desire and connection.
The Three Minute Game and Building Awareness
One of the core practices of the Wheel of Consent is the Three Minute Game, which involves asking two questions: “How would you like me to touch you?” and “How would you like to touch me?” While simple, this practice helps people slow down and notice their responses. Instead of performing or guessing, they begin to feel into what is actually true in the moment. Over time, this builds clarity, confidence, and deeper intimacy.
Why Slowing Down Changes Everything
Most people move too quickly in intimacy, which prevents awareness from developing. Slowing down allows the body to register sensation, emotion, and preference. It creates the space needed to notice subtle cues and shifts. Without this space, people default to habit or expectation rather than authentic desire.
Reclaiming Desire and Intimacy
The deeper invitation of the Wheel of Consent is not just better communication, but reconnection. When people reconnect with their bodies, they gain access to clearer desires, stronger boundaries, and more authentic expression. Intimacy becomes something that is consciously created rather than unconsciously repeated.
Most people are not lacking desire. They are disconnected from the part of themselves that knows what they want. When you slow down, listen to your body, and understand the dynamics of consent more clearly, something shifts. Intimacy becomes less confusing and more alive.
In this episode, we explore:
- What the Wheel of Consent is and how it works
- Why most people are disconnected from what they truly want
- The difference between permission-based consent and agreement-based consent
- How cultural conditioning disconnects us from our bodies
- Why intimacy struggles are often not about sex at all
- The concept of “domain” and personal responsibility in relationships
- Why receiving can feel more vulnerable than giving
- How over-giving can be a way to avoid vulnerability
- The hidden question behind “Are you okay?” in intimacy
- The difference between doing something for someone vs for yourself
- How the Three Minute Game builds awareness and clarity
- Why slowing down is essential for discovering desire
- How to introduce consent practices into existing relationships
- The role of curiosity in building deeper intimacy
About Betty & Marcia:
Dr. Betty Martin
Dr. Betty Martin has had her hands on people professionally for over 40 years (some of it legal and some of it questionable). 30 years of Chiropractic and other modalities, then later, 15 years of Somatic Sex Education and Surrogate Partner Therapy. Also Contact Improv and other kinds of play.
She is the developer of the Wheel of Consent, a cutting edge model of receiving and giving, based on touch but amenable to non-touch practices as well. She is the author of The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent.
She loves sharing her experience. She developed a 5 day training in the Wheel of Consent for practitioners, which took her around the world, and then trained others to teach it so she could retire.
She currently mentors helping professionals, from psychotherapists to sex workers, and all stripes of hands-on practitioners.
Marcia Baczynski
Marcia Baczynski is a sought-after coach, writer, and presenter helping people reclaim desire, agency, and self-trust—especially in sex, relationships and community. Her work sits at the intersection of embodiment, consent culture, and unlearning the “good girl” conditioning that keeps so many people disconnected from their own aliveness.
She is the co-author of Creating Consent Culture: A Handbook for Educators, a practical and widely used resource for teaching consent with nuance, care, and integrity. Marcia teaches internationally and has served as faculty with the School of Consent, Shakti Shiva Academy, and Esalen Institute.
Known for her warm, playful, and deeply ethical approach, Marcia blends clarity with compassion, inviting people to slow down, listen to their bodies, and make choices rooted in desire rather than obligation. She lives and works on the unceded land of the Ohlone people, also known as Oakland, CA.
Connect with Betty:
Free chapter of Betty’s Book: https://www.wheelofconsent.org/free-chapter-sign-up
bettymartin.org
wheelofconsent.org
https://www.instagram.com/thewheelofconsent
https://www.youtube.com/bettymartin
Connect with Marcia:
Free Asking For What You Want Starter Kit: http://askingforwhatyouwant.com/starter-kit
http://askingforwhatyouwant.com
http://instagram.com/askmarciab
Connect with Darshana:
Darshana has supported thousands of people across the world to claim their Erotic Wholeness. Whether you begin with a self paced journey taken from the comfort of your own home or work with her directly for the transformational experience of a lifetime, your path to the female pleasure, power and purpose you’re truly made for is just a step away!
Learn more:
- DarshanaAvila.com/offerings for courses and details about her private practice
- DarshanaAvila.com/community to enter the Galgasm community hub full of free resources
- instagram.com/darshana_avila/ for real-time bits of insight and connection
- YouTube.com/@darshana_avila for tons of inspired lessons, interviews and more
